Mostly Autobiographical: A Collection of 100% True Stories . . . Sort of

Mostly Autobiographical: A Collection of 100% True Stories . . . Sort of

Rob Gunther

Language: English

Pages: 162


Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub

What’s it like to wait tables in space? What’s so hard about buying a green Power Rangers piñata? Do you believe in the magical properties of crystals? Are you sure you’re not my old friend Rich?

Read the answers to all of these questions, and even more questions, but not as many more answers, just a lot of questions really, as told by the mostly autobiographical ramblings of Rob G. Rob attacks the minutia of contemporary life through the eyes of a twenty-something-year-old trying to figure out his place on planet Earth.

Like, are you sure those volleyballs weren’t looking at me funny? Or, did you say you wanted dressing on the side? Because I didn’t hear you the first time. Or the second time. But on the side, right? Rob takes the smallest of human interactions and tries to figure out, why are we doing what we’re doing? Did you mean what you meant to say? Or were you getting at something else? And are you sure those volleyballs weren’t looking at me funny?

From the daily posts of his blog - - to his long drawn-out comments on reddit, Rob G. now extends the reading experience to book-length proportions. Learn the best way to order steak at a steakhouse. Or find out how you’d survive being stuck in an elevator with five other people for an extended period of time. If it’s happened in real life, you’ll probably find it in Mostly Autobiographical. Or you’ll find something else. Either one.

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I’m mixing it all up. You know what, can I have some more water? Thanks. What kind of dressing do you have? Ranch? Do you have ranch? Who doesn’t have ranch? All right, I’ll take the balsamic. But on the side. Please. And the dijon. Also on the side. OK, so you’ve got that, right? The two dressings on the side, OK. Do you have any breadsticks? Does this come with bread? You know what, I can’t do a salad without ranch. I’ll just have a burger. No bun. Sautéed mushrooms, please. And I want it

mechanism? Because if that’s the reason, fine, I’ll get past it.” “It’s not a coping mechanism. I saw you on your phone. You should be a little more respectful.” “Respectful? Who says you can’t you use a cell phone at a funeral home? It was on silent. I wasn’t talking. Look, you’re aunt’s using hers right now.” “She’s in mourning! She’s allowed to!” “Well, I’m in mourning too. Why do you think I’m here in the first place?” “You’re not in mourning. You’re just an asshole.” And so I got

use of your thumbs. Both thumbs. You know, they always say that’s what separates us from the animals, right? The whole opposable thumbs business. So you can’t pick anything up? And going to the bathroom, that’s got to be a nightmare. Washing your hands. Unlocking the front door. No, why would he do that to you? Yeah, yeah, it is a lot of money, which only serves my argument that if he really wants to see any of that money repaid, ever, he’s got to think of a more practical threat than a couple

I let him stew for a little bit, and finally I broke the silence with, “Andre, look, I brought you up here because, well, this is kind of hard for me to say, but I wanted to apologize.” And I really had to stop myself from throwing in my customary, “Because I wanted to be the bigger person,” because even though I was being the bigger person, that’s how these things always unfold. I figured this time, actions, not words. Or, not actions exactly, but more subtle words. More clever. Cleverer. I know

totally overworked and completely uninterested. If I agreed to a deal, my license would be revoked and I’d have to pay a hefty fine. But I said to myself, again, I said, you’re not getting pushed around. Not today. I told the judge I’d like to waive my right to an attorney and that I’d be representing myself. The lawyer shrugged and walked away as I began setting up my defense. The judge banged his gavel and sentenced me to three months behind bars. When I got out of jail, I discovered that I

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