Power Moves: Livin’ the American Dream, USA Style

Power Moves: Livin’ the American Dream, USA Style

Karl Welzein

Language: English

Pages: 256

ISBN: 0062233238

Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub


Meet Karl Welzein, aka Captain Karl, aka @DadBoner on Twitter—the Midwest's most beautiful loser

Karl Welzein is really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

His job is a drag and his wife kicked him out, but that's okay. She wears granny panties and is constantly dropping wads of cash at Target, and his son cries all the time. Now his "temporary" roommate, Dave, ate all the Totino's pizza rolls. Again. Karl Welzein is sick of this. So sick of this.

Power Moves chronicles the hilarious decline of Karl Welzein on his journey from life as a Dockers-and-golfshirt-wearing dad to a ponytailed party maniac who spits out his life philosophies like a modern-day Charles Bukowski (if he preferred to get drunk at Applebee's).

A middle-aged Michigan native, Karl may be overweight, prone to questionable fashion and culinary choices, oblivious to his drinking problem, a poor excuse for an employee, obsessed with the restroom, and a terrible husband, father, and friend . . . but in his heart he means well. He's just like a lot of us—he loves the USA, Guy Fieri, bold flavors, Bob Seger, and thinking he looks jacked in a tight tee and Maui Jim sunglasses. Karl is an everyman and like no other man on the planet all at once.

Inspired by the Twitter feed @DadBoner, Karl finally tells his full story. He shares his wisdom on fitness (1. Look at a pic of Stone Cold Steve Austin. 2. Do 'shups 'til you look like Stone Cold. 3. Cut off your sleeves), diet (Eat only the filling of the Taco Bell Beefy Melts for maximum flavor and low-carb health), fashion (Wearin' boots with jean shorts says "I like to keep cool, but I'm ready if the action gets hot"), work life (If you don't have a job that makes you want to kill yourself, you don't deserve to drink until you want to die), and the bliss of the perfect weekend (beers, brats, and babes' chest beefers).

But above all, this is a story about America—the real red, white, and blue America of today. Welcome to Karl's world. Reading this book is the ultimate Power Move.

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out on the car seat. I should take the cleaning bill to the manager. Maybe get a free sub? Supper: Ate a whole summer sausage. Dave made a bunch of cracks. He’s such a loser. Doesn’t he get that everyone’s cool with the gays now? And I’m super not gay. Ask ANY babe. FRIDAY, JANUARY 7, 2011—ATKINS DIET, DAY 5 Lunch: Had five Coney dogs from Leo’s. No bun. Forgot a fork again so they were kinda messy to eat in the car. Chili, cheese, and mustard everywhere. This shirt has seen its last Friday.

you get to wear fingerless gloves like a real bad boy. Went back to work and then headed to Ann and the kids’ for supper. There wasn’t anyone home and she won’t answer her phone. Kinda worried. No way she’s still steamed about Sunday. I mean, it’s great to have a bachelor’s supper. I just hope nothin’s wrong. This isn’t like Ann to disappear without tellin’ me. Thinkin’ good thoughts. Gonna have a few Crown-and-Diets to take the edge off. 11:45 P.M. Ann never called. Kinda late, but gonna call

could pretty much just soak in that Arby’s aroma forever. They should make bathroom air fresheners like Arby’s smell, Beer Brat smell, or Supreme Pizza smell. Only gals should cover up their BMs with lilacs. Wore my swim trunks today ’cause of the heat. If Nosey Lady has a problem with that, it’s easy access to kiss my sweaty butt. Had a problem this afternoon though. I was pushin’ out a long Arby’s stinky in the john and my legs stuck to the seat. When I tried to stand up, I crashed back down

’do. Everyone seems pretty jealous. My scalp is peelin’, but it’s a small price for great style. Ann called today. Guess my daughters don’t wanna trick-or-treat with my son ’cause he’s a wuss. Now I have to take him. Great. Kids ruin Halloween. What if I had plans? Ann’s so thoughtless sometimes. I’m at least gonna try to show my son what Halloween is all about: disturbing terror and checkin’ out babes’ cans. It’s about time he manned up. Maybe we can bond? TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 2011

milestone. Like when Stevie Wonder was jammin’ with the Cosbys. I really think me and Kid Rock could really hit it off. Right off the bat, we could compare rockin’ pony adventures. Then, who knows? Kid Rock is into cold ones, chest beefers, bold flavors, and turnin’ the party out. We’re like brothers from another mother, you guys. Maybe I should invite Guy and the Triple D crew to see how we do things around MY parts. Have him bring Kid. It’d be such a blast. There’s other Chili’s in the world,

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