You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up: A Love Story

You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up: A Love Story

Annabelle Gurwitch, Jeff Kahn

Language: English

Pages: 272

ISBN: 0307463788

Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub

In this hilarious and ultimately moving memoir, comedians and real-life married couple Annabelle Gurwitch and Jeff Kahn prove that in marriage, all you need is love—and a healthy dose of complaining, codependence, and pinot noir.
After thirteen years of being married, Annabelle and Jeff have found “We’re just not that into us.” Instead of giving up, they’ve held their relationship together by ignoring conventional wisdom and fostering a lack of intimacy, by using parenting as a competitive sport, and by dropping out of couples therapy. The he-said/she-said chronicle of their intense but loving marriage includes an unsentimental account of the medical odyssey that their family embarked upon after their infant son was diagnosed with VACTERL, a very rare series of birth defects. Annabelle and Jeff’s unforgivingly raw, uproariously funny story is sure to strike both laughter and terror in the hearts of all couples (not to mention every single man or woman who is contemplating the connubial state).
Serving up equal parts sincerity and cynicism, You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up is a laugh-out-loud must-read for everyone who has come to realize that being “in love” can only get you so far.
On Cohabitation
He says: “Within days of Annabelle’s arrival, I became very aware that she demanded solitude and had the housekeeping habits of a feral animal.”

She says:
“The guy had some sort of nudity radar. When I would take my clothes off for even a second, Jeff would be in front of me cheering as if he’d scored box seats at Fenway Park.”
On Sex
He says: “I want to have sex every day, but Annabelle only wants to do it once a week. So we compromise: we have sex once a week.”

She says:
“Jeff says talking about money before you have sex is a turnoff, but it’s only a turnoff if you’re talking about not having money. Talking about money before you have sex when you have money is actually a turn-on.”
On Pregnancy
He says: “For God’s sake, all I wanted to do was have sex without a condom for a little while; now we were moments from bringing a new life into the world!”

She says:
“My ass was expanding so fast it was like a Starbucks franchise. On every corner of my ass there was a new branch of ass opening up.”

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sometimes they go to war and fight like hell with each other. “If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead and get married.” —Katharine Hepburn let’s do the numbers Average cost of weddings in the United States: $26,327 Average cost of divorce in the United States: $27,500 Average cost of a round of marriage therapy: $3,000–$4,000 Most expensive wedding to date: Vanisha Mittal and her fiancé Amit Bhatia, 2004. The wedding was held at Vaux le

incredibly loving cat. She follows me everywhere, wants to be petted all the time, desires my undivided attention, and sleeps cuddled next to me every night. Stinky is everything I want from Annabelle, but furrier and happens to poop in a litter box. When Annabelle returns, she doesn’t give me her body or her soul, but instead hands me a copy of Søren Kierkegaard’s Leap of Faith. Does this book mean I should keep leaping in faith for her? I’ll never know. It’s so tedious to read existential

would cost. Though mathematically challenged, even we could figure out this one. Once a week at $175 for six months came out to $4,200. We weighed our options. That was enough for three nights plus tax at the surreally luxurious Post Ranch Inn in Big Sur (ocean views, five-zillion-thread-count sheets, Lindt chocolates on the pillow) or four and a half months at a youth hostel in Flagstaff, Arizona (towels and linens included, shared bath). Come to think of it, in total we’ve spent enough money on

I tell him I found something new to be mad at him about? So I’ve come up with a plan as to how we can manage to extend our marriage until one of us (sadly) wins the contest. As I see it, our one hope for the future is to keep working on our level of intimacy. Experts all say that the key to a long marriage is to increase intimacy. No thanks. Give me a little mystery. Intimacy is the gateway drug to familiarity, which, as we all know, leads to contempt. Here is a list of things I’ve seen

even think about it. I’m fine right here in the present, thank you. This approach, however, does not stop her from persisting in pressuring me to make plans for our future finances and questioning what we will do and who we will be as a married couple. “If anything is certain, it is that change is certain. The world we are planning for today will not exist in this form tomorrow.” So says Philip Crosby, a man I never heard of until I was looking for good quotes that agree with me about the future.

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